Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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