she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
