I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
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Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
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Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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