the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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