it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
