her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
