I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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