I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
