I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
