3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
