we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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