Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
