his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
