that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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