Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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