I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
