I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize