What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
