I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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