The maid of honor just puked.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
