So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
