i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
