I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm always down for nudity.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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