i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
