Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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