I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
