I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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