watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
