I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Everclear isn't food dammit
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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