If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize