What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
