Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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