if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think my moral compass just broke
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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