he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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