My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
