Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
they're like a gay fantastic four
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
