I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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