We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
