I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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