I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
