My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
