One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I checked into jail on foursquare
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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