i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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