I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
