Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
