So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
