I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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