I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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