I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
