the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
