My balls are so social today.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
