im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
