I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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